I didn’t realize it at the start of the year but one of my intentions for this year is trying to honor where I’m at in life. I think it’s a natural part of your 20s to start feeling like you’re sort of flailing about aimlessly and your life isn’t anywhere near what you thought it would be. Everyone makes it out to seem like you’re supposed to have your life sorted in your twenties but I feel like for most people it’s not true.
If you had asked me 10 years ago (when I was graduating high school) what my life would look like now I would have probably said I’d be married with some kids and things would be good and I’d had everything sorted and in place. After all, 27 is a full fledged adult and that’s what full fledged adults lives are like.
Ha. Ha. Ha. How naive I actually was. I’m nowhere near married, probably never going to have kids, and I don’t even have my socks sorted much less my entire life. No seriously, I wear miss-matching socks every day. The socks thing doesn’t bother me as much as the rest of my life not going exactly according to plan.
Not that I actually had a legit plan. I started college as a kinesiology major with the intention of being a physical therapist, changed majors after a year, worked in college athletics for about five years until I realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and never even ended up graduating from college. If you look up directionless in the dictionary there would be a picture of me little ol’ me.
I took some time off everything to deal with some personal issues (I’m looking at you anxiety and depression) after my dad died. I had quit my job and was just overall lost and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I started a mini business that was doing well but I realized that wasn’t what I wanted either. I had no clue what to do. Then just when I started to sort of put myself together again and figure things out I got sick.
Sick isn’t a word I like to use to describe myself but I don’t know what else to use. I developed a heart arrhythmia in October of 2014. I have something called POTS or Neurocardiogenic Syncope or something like that. To be honest I don’t even know exactly what it is anymore I just know that I feel crappy all the time and no matter what I try to make it better nothing really seems to work all that well. So when that happened 2+ years ago everything changed again. I spent pretty much all of 2015 in doctors offices, getting tests done, had surgery, the lot of it. Needless to say there wasn’t exactly time to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Then I started this blog because I didn’t know what else to do. It’s something I had been wanting to do for a long time and oddly enough everything I was going through gave me the push to finally do it. It made me see that I might need to pave a path for myself that’s different than anything I ever would have thought. I still can’t even say for certain that this is what I’m meant to do with my life not because I don’t want to but because it’s definitely not easy to make a blog successful but I can say that I fully believe that I am meant to be doing this here and now.
Explaining all of that got wordy but it was necessary to point out that maybe I really am right where I belong. It took me all this time to figure it out but I need to start honoring it. I’m not a physical therapist, I’m not working in media relations for an MLB team, I’m not married, so and so forth. All of the things I thought I would be at this stage in my life that didn’t pan out. It’s okay that they didn’t though. I still get really frustrated because I’m so limited physically in what I can do and I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time. I’m tired of having to plan my life around when I feel okay and when I don’t. That’s the hardest part for me lately. I can accept all the things that didn’t work out and be fine with them but I’m still learning to honor the bits that including have a rebellious asshole heart. That one is a little harder to deal with.
It’s easy to look back and see how certain things worked out and realize that’s how it was always supposed to be but it’s a lot harder to do that when you’re actually in the midst of life. So that’s where I’m at right now. Trying to honor where I am at this exact moment in space and time. It’s really hard and it’s really frustrating but for all of the bad and all of the good this is me.
I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling like this. I especially know that now in the age of social media it’s easy to feel like all your friends have their lives sorted and everything is always fantastic for them because people only show the best bits of themselves on line most of the time. It’s something I’ve talked about before and I still think it’s worth reminding ourselves that life isn’t always pretty pictures and happy moments. Maybe you feel like me and you’re wondering why all the good bits are taking so long and when you’re going to feel like you know where you’re life is headed. I’m not an expert on it but one day you’re going to close your eyes take a deep breath and when you open them you’ll realize that you’re right where you belong.